What I Want in My New Tory Leader

Ladies and gents, come close; you’ve heard the news, 

So come on, get thinking, let’s have your views. 

I've got a few ideas tucked up my sleeve, 

Forthright wishes, stowed like dark refugees. 

I'm looking for red-meat promises. 

A kennel of bloody delicacies. 

Firstly, for my vote, no more net-zero. 

Get rid of the green crap; be my hero! 

Secondly, swear to no more damned lockdowns; 

Let the bodies pile high! You’ll get no frowns. 

Thirdly, put free speech ahead of wet woke 

And drown out the whingers, let them choke. 

Don't let them claim their empty empathy. 

Don't let them shame and make me the enemy. 

Don't let them sine and hold up their mirrors. 

Don't let them preen and call out the “sinners”. 

I want a sweetshop of Tory dreams: 

Children up chimneys, chicken in chlorine. 

I want nuclear, coal, gas and oil, 

Hot tractors and chemicals in the soil. 

I want benefits in the darkest bin 

And if you want my vote to help you win 

You'll send migrants down dark Rwandan mines 

And show your balls, big as motorway signs. 

Ladies and gents, we’ll soon need to choose 

A glorious new leader for the blues. 

This time we’ll be sure to get it right. 

This time it’s our Britain first, the rest, goodnight.